Friday, December 26, 2014

Random ramblings, unedited, from over a year ago........

Write....he said.....so, write.....I shall.

It is hot outside. Swelteringly hot. Summer has come in full force to our little valley home. Upwards of 100. Feeling each time I step outside as if I am being baked like a loaf of bread. Feeling almost larger. Crustier. Complete. Ready to slather w butter and dip into some soup.

Yet non of these things describe the past few weeks of my life. I like and need to share. It soothes my soul. And whatever I am going through, I am ok. I promise you that. But my God, it has been quite a few weeks.

I notice the ebbs and flows of my well-being and wonder how they all exist together in one person. Then I am reminded that I am not just this one little person that I think I am. That I am so much more. AndI have the ability to embody it all. Yes....yes I do.

I have almost no skin it feels like. Everything just goes in. I sometimes am not even sure what it is that is happening. I feel on the verge of dying. And then I remember that I asked for this. That I prayed to be a changed woman. To grow and to learn truly. This is not easy. This is not fun or full of much grace. This is a crawling on a rocky, unpaved road as my hands and knees bleed profusely. As my heart aches. As I feel too many things and am certain I will die.

The mind is a crazy place to live. It is revealed too many times to count that it in its innocence is not my friend. It is relentless in its nature to destroy me. To do whatever it can to makes things get worse and worse.It does not matter where I go or what I do, it does not stop. It seems it is engaged in a full out war with me. And yet, who is the "me" I speak of.

There are multiple "me's" living inside of me. Many voices. Many beings. I believe this is a sort  normal state of being for most people. They all present themselves as the "I" and yet make me , this me, go a little crazy. If I indulge in this at all, I am on a deep downward spiral. Then comes self-medicating as I am certain I cannot escape the self-inflicted attack. I raise my white surrender flag to no avail. It just keeps on going.

I know so much intellectually and yet so little that can really help me negotiate these waters of Armageddon that we find ourselves in the midst of. Like the hugest storm we are all being beaten and battered to the point of not even being able to be recognized. Maybe as much as it hurts though, its a good thing. I would love to be unrecognizable emotional;ly as the person I was yesterday.

I did a lot of work, asked for some help, maybe some huge proclamations and then got my asses kicked from here to kingdom come. What did I expect really? I want these changes and than feel fightened as old pieces of me begin to die. It is the be careful what you ask for, isn't it???

Change for me is something I have never dealt with well. Too much as a child. It is something I am needing to change my relationship to.  I need to change my relationship to change....  Life IS change. Everything changes. Only all the time. Again, intellectual understandings....yes......but the reality....is that there comes a panic over me that feels suffocating and all consuming.  In these moments, nobody and nothing can help me.

I used to think they only happened when I was away from my children, wrong. Or that they only happen at night, wrong. Or that they only happen when I am dealing with something that is a big deal, wrong. What I do not know could fill many libraies.

I can even be excited about something, ecstatic even and one will creep in and destroy that as well.. And I listen.  I must confuse this voice with the quiet one. I believe the nonsense it says. The drama it creates. The problems it starts. The lies it tells. The relationships it ruins. My mistake is to listen.

People speak of just see these thoughts as passersby. This works at times and not at all at others. We are all so complex. There is no magic pill....I know, I have searched for one for yrs. The magic pill is process. ANd in a society that hides the truth how can one walk through the madness of the world right now being honest, vulnerable and open.

A book I read speaks of the spiritual warrior as always having a sort of bittersweet place inside of him. A sort of loneliness. A sort of mourning that is also sweet tasting. I know this place well. But I always thought it was a place to try to escape from. Now I believe that I will learn to accept and coexist with it. That this is a place of truth. This is a place where it ALL is already allowed and accepted. I am the one deciding it should look different. And that is the pain. Some of it anyway.

On a lesser scale, I remember I used to be even more obsessive than I am now about having the house clean. And one day I said to myself: What if I am just one of those people with a house that is not very clean. What would that be like. It seems like a small and insignificant thing but it changed something inside of me deeply.

It is like I was given permission (albeit my OWN) to just not be so neurotic about having everything so clean. It was like a huge freedom. And all I did was to change the way I thought about something..... This does not mean that I now live in squalor. But I am not a slave to these thoughts that would have me on the hampster wheel 24/7 if they could.

I have no control over anything in my life. I am coming to see this more and more everyday. Nothing. Zero. Sorry honey, I know it is still upsetting. IT is the ultimate lie when we think that we are in control. ANything can happen at any moment and usually does disrupt all my little well thought out plans. Not that it is an unsympathetic universe or anything. But unpredictable, yes!!!! Out of my little bs control, absolutely!!!!

As I write these words I literally feel a bit sick to my stomach. I wonder why...... It evokes this and a sense of wanting to sleep, to hide, to run. To lay down and be taken care of by someone other than myself. It evokes a hot flash. A palpable fear. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach right now. If I don't take care of things....who will?????

I am in a free fall..... I have no idea what is gonna happen in the next months and years of my life. I thought they were certain. I was wrong. Always wrong. And still alone. At 48 yet with still so much work to do on myself, it seems. I get tired of looking at other peoples lives assuming they must be better than mine. It is not good to lose sight of the immense blessings and abundance that we all have in some ways in our lives.

"If you get and you quarrel everyday. You're sayin' prayers, to the devil I say.."
Bob Marley

There are times when isolating is needed. I am in the midst of this.








Notes to self...

It is Christmas day, 12:18 pacific standard time. I sit alone in my living room. Which is  'living ' in full bloom at the moment. The fireplace is blazing a real wood fire and the sweet scent of our Douglas Fir Christmas tree permeates the air. And is enhanced my the warmth of the crackling fire. Stockings are hanging and beautiful blinking lights like twinkling stars are everywhere.

Its times like this I miss a proper winter with the snow. The pull towards relaxing, reflecting and hibernating appeals to me so. It has been a long and difficult year. I am grateful for the gifts that presently appear to be happening in the future. And in the present.

I am grateful for the way my perspective seems to be transitioning. Not easy to put into words. But I knew I needed to write....its been SO long, too long. Then it occurred to me, I was not going to write. IT was gonna write  me. This feels so much more free when I remember it is not "me", "I", the ego, the mind, whatever.  But I am simply the vehicle.

It Is a life force flowing through. And my job is to be self aware enough to get OUT of the way as the flow of this magical life takes me perfectly where I need to go. OR be. Which is always WHERE I AM. Like it or not, wherever we are is perfect.

We all feel more seemingly alive in the drama of all this suffering but approaching 50, on Feb 1.....I for one and exhausted. I want to truly learn to extract the true joy of the moment. The closet I come is in moments with my Myles,21. And with Christian, 7. Children are truly, I say time and time again, the beauty of the world.

The innocence and intimacy and pure deep love and respect (which is essential) that I have had the gift of experiencing with my two sons, has-is-and continues to be unparalleled. I feel safe to give them everything, all of me....it is a strange thing.

I want to be writing more often..........xxxooo



Sunday, June 2, 2013

Masks

Life is a strange and beautiful dream. When I remember this, I have peace. When I look around and am grateful for things and people, see them with love instead of fear and hate, I have peace.  Even the things that make perfect sense to fear and hate. When I simply embrace them too.....I am free. This is who I am and who  I work to be. This is my quest.

No state is sustainable. Every thing and every moment is transient. This is a huge challenge for me. If you don't like change, in a world that constantly changes, its gonna be a bumpy ride. I try to free fall into it all. Realizing I don't have any control, nor did I ever. 

Too much change and instability as a child planted these seeds in the soil of the personality this life. Now as an adult I work to pull these weeds from my garden. Sometimes I am able, other times I still need to work at it. I see the announcement of a deep seeded issue when I have a big reaction to someone or something. The bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. So life points the path out to me and all of us in this way. 

Yet, most choose to not see it. They choose instead to blame those close them. Unable to truly know and see  themselves, unable  or unwilling to identify and  drop the mask of their incomplete self. Its almost as if they hold on as tight as they can to an image they created of who they need to be in the world. No matter how deep this lie goes. 

It is like we go through life with our ego in the driver's seat. And it rips little pieces of other peoples personalities, external wealth or fame, way of seemingly being in the world. Like ripping pictures from a magazine. I want these eyes, this kind of nose, these lips. I want these clothes to cover this type of body. Imagine what that picture looks like. And abstract, mishmash of nothingness. Certainly not real. Just an imaginary person. That is the person one wants to walk through life as ?????? Not me. 

I was talking to a friend of mine awhile back. He shared that I was emotionally immature. He had the grace of sharing a lot as we are similar but we laughed about it all. I realized he was right. I am emotionally immature. The paradox was that as I saw this and admitted it for the first time to myself and then to others.....THAT was a big step towards emotional maturity. This is the trippy and paradoxical way the world works. I love it.

I am a walking contradiction. An eternal paradox. What can be true for me in one moment can change entirely in the next. I am just an ever-changing  human in this way. I allow it. And sometimes I judge it. Am confused by it. So what is wrong with being confused. When I used to tell my dear Roy London.....I don't know!!!! His reply was always....Oh good!!!! Now we can begin.

I have been so blessed in my life for many years to have had wonderful teachers come in. To show me the way. Even when I did not learn what they spoke of until years later. I stilled learned it. I learn everyday and am grateful for that. I feel them and I hear them and I know they are and will always be with me. Life is a beautiful dream. Our loved ones never really leave us. 

It saddens me how many masked people I encounter everyday. Even many close to me. I choose to not wear this mask. I choose to explore and embrace all aspects of myself. Even those that some would say are ugly or horrific. I choose to live a whole life. And that may be lived alone as so many choose to hide and cower form truth. Even their own blessed one. 

When one does not live that way they are judged and condemned by some. They are blamed and considered a loose cannon. A cannon that blows to shreds  untruths that it encounters. And so it is. This is my path. Even when I am not right, which is often. I am always right in revealing, allowing and sharing MY truth. 

"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are really  princesses just waiting to see us just once be beautiful and courageous.  Perhaps everything terrible is, in its deepest being, something helpless that seeks our help."

Rainer Marie Rilke

Within this shadow, this part we hide from, is great beauty and treasure beyond belief. To hide from ourselves is a dangerous game. It is to live half of a life. It is to never truly  know oneself. It is the "not to be" of  "To be or not to be." It is a tragedy. I choose to be.....

There are no chosen people as I hear some religions say. We are ALL chosen. We are all the same. No matter what you do, where you live, how much money you have or make. We are all in the same boat dealing with the same stuff. 

I pray you begin the journey of removing your mask so as to live a more complete and glorious life. It is not easy but nothing worthwhile is. And like everything, it is as difficult as we make it. 

Live to Love.....yourself first.....xxxoooo


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me....and I'm feeling good......

I am learning. I am growing. I am grateful. I am seeing I don't need as much as I sometimes like to have. I am caring more about others and what I put out into the world. I am loving myself more. Everyday. I am now doing TM. Because David Lynch aka DKL has yet again extended his hand to me and changed my life. He is an angel in my life. I suggest all people have a daily practice to go inside as the outside world is a bit crazy these days.

There are days when I feel as though I can barley move. The energy is so strong. Things are going on that we cannot even know or process on a intellectual level. The only peace of mind is to know that it is not personal to you. It is happening to all living creatures on this planet. Things are righting themselves, I believe. Getting balanced and put into the correct order.

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. This is what I keep verifying in my life. It never comes on my timetable and it never looks like I think it should but shit happens. And I am forever grateful. For me there is no hell as in a place where you go when you sin as my Catholic upbringing would have me believe.

To me hell is living here with no awareness that we are ALL loved and cherished. That every hair on our head is counted. That we are protected and carried. Only always, in all ways. This does not mean we will not experience suffering. We will. Birthing a child is the best gift one can receive but a woman does not do this without experiencing a depth of pain that is beyond word. Especially if you do it naturally as I did with my first born.

We run from this pain in various ways. But wherever we run, there we are. We actually make it worse that way. Let it be. Let the pain go all the way through you and it will pass . And make room to have a deeper love and a deeper joy. The places where pain carves into us makes room to feel deeper positive things.

And always remember, this is just a dream. A beautiful dream. I know sometimes it feels like a nightmare. But that is usually when we fight and decide that things should look or be different. When we lack acceptance. When we look outside for someone or something to fill us.

A wise man said wash a cup and be present and you are awake. Find the sublime in the seeming mundane. Perception is everything. Stop blaming your childhood, your teacher, your spouse, your friends....even yourself. Become a warrior. A gentle warrior.

Yes, it s razors edge. So what. There is no better way to spend your time than getting real with yourself and all those around you. Let all the masks fall. Make it your goal to be authentic in all of your encounters. This is a key to freedom. To joy. To all these beautiful things that are literally your birthright. This is how the powers that be intended us all to live. We just got it wrong. Made some mistakes. But it is a new day. Rejoice. Make a different choice. Right now.

There are many wonderful books and sources for us to support ourselves as we change. As we rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I am reading a few books but the one that is really resonating with me and helping on so many levels I will share.

Shambhala: The sacred path of the warrior        by, Chogyam Trungpa

Life changer. Game changer. Jump on board. Haven't you suffered enough. I know I have. And I know I will again. But as I grow I deal with it all different. I allow it. I try to not run from it and when I do, I catch myself and turn to face whatever it is that needs my attention and intention.

Its a new dawn. Its a new day. Its a new life for me......and I'm feeling good......
Nina Simone


Wednesday, May 8, 2013

OHHHHH I am in a funking FUNK Written, April 28, 2013

I am in a funk. Funk's suck. That is a fact. In ones life we all will encounter many, many funks. Too many to count really. This particular funk came a few days ago, but had been hovering for the past week. Even as I was still on the beautiful island of Contardora, the funk- she hovered. Now she sits on me in full force. I am left feeling pinned to the floor, face in the muck....unable to move....

She is a miss-mash of a lot of different issues. Emotional ones, things still needing to process, old baggage as usual, worry for the future, lack of trust in the presence, smoking a little pot again.   shit..... It seems as if everything has come crashing down. When I have been on a seeming high for the past month. Since D split up with me, starting TM, have had many synchronistic things occurring, maybe I have been too in your face honest.

Must be vigilant during this time, these observations not to use this stuff as a bat to beat myself down again.

I don't know where this line is. Being too honest, too blunt, too egotistically knowing I am right when I usually am not. It has been about a month and a half since my 6 1/2 year relationship ended. This is good. Bad. And very, very difficult. They come in waves. These feelings. Huge amounts of joy and freedom and honesty w myself. Then crashing about with such a strong tide I can barely catch my breathe. Total fear. Anxiety on top my fear. Utter fear of what am I gonna do?

As my Christian was home yesterday very sick, pale with the deepest red purple cheeks and lips. So warm and as still as night. He lay on the couch in the bed we made. And watched all his old shows on Sprout. Ones he watched when he was about 2. This too was not a good time for me and my relationship w D. IT all came rushing back.

That time for me was one of the most difficult of my life, the dark night of the soul. I had hoped for no more of those nights. But they come, the emptiness etched so deeply it aches. The sobbing so deep it has no sound, only a shuddering and shaking of the jaw. Open, open, open....gently tapping my heart as Robert had done.

"You'll put anymore holes in her over my dead body." A clear threat. It stopped. But there is always more to be accountable for. More refining to do. More cleaning of the mirror. I am not ever alone because my shadow, the creature is with me. Pink sparkling nails on a keyboard in what was D's office, now is mine and soon will become whatever the next occupant deems it to be.

I am scared. The funk brings with it a whole lot of fearful gunk. I am doing what I can. I am rewriting my second children's book at my dear friends encouragement. I see from D's astute observations and knowledge of me that I have been trying to rush through what is always a process and changes and evolves all the time. There is an essential need to truly adapt to these changes and evolvement. I have always hated change perceiving it as an unsafe place. And so I walk through the world like this most of the time.

I have loved raising Christian the past 5 years, yes even through the dark nights he was always with me. As was much as much as his 6 yrs would allow him to be. But the baby and I walked through it together. I have loved being away from the business. I have loved the normal life. I have felt pretty safe and taken care of by someone else for the first time in my life. After working since I was 17 and raising my Myles alone it felt so good to me. To my heart. Just mothering, watching bad tv, cooking and caring. And seeing my Myles more as well. For a long stretch. Seventh grade to graduation. I love this.

I am forever grateful........

I also love the two virtual strangers came together so quickly and we meant to walk through so many blessings together especially that of bringing in Christian James. That we have grown so much together. That we still love each other deeply. Making a pledge of true friendship as they raise the boy together separately.

It surely doesn't help that the world is crazy with full moons and all these eclipses. "Its just all gone pear shaped.    ' As my Momma on Rude Awakenings used to say. Beloved Lynn Redgrave. RIP.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Just a spoonful of sugar....

Its a beautiful morning and gonna be a beautiful day. I have begun to learn TM this week. March 24 is the first day of the rest of my life.  It is changing my life in every way. DKL gifted it to me as I could not afford the amount one must pay to learn these sacred teachings. He had been talking about it since I first met him but somehow this last time we had a cup of joe was the time it finally went in.

 It started to work on me from the moment I said yes to him. Maybe before, actually. Within 9 days of our coffee date I had the most beautiful and intense dream with the teacher  Maharishi. HE came to me in a dream. I did not know at the time it was him until I met the woman instructing me. She said things in the dream showed her clearly it was him. She had studied with him.  Lynn is my sister in every sense. We even sort of look alike. As she explained to me the first day what TM is and what it does......I knew I was home. Finally. After SO many years of searching and searching, I now have my daily practice and I know I will never stop.

I always knew I needed a daily practice but until the student is ready, the teacher does not appear. But appear he did and she did. She was in my dream as well. As a sister. She was teaching me sacred dances. Which at the time I had not begun but was going to the following week with Sheryl Lee. My dear friend. A pure soul.

It has literally been shocking the synchronicity that has been happening in my life.  I pray little prayers most of the day. Being so grateful. I have been through so much in the past few years. Painted to be a demon by some.  They were just projecting their demons onto me. I see it now. I now know better. I now see how I can unintentionally and sometimes intentionally threaten people. And they in their blindness blame me for their inadequacies. Or I am the only one screaming that the emperor is naked and they should wake the hell up!!!  And some are just flat out CRAZY. But God bless them. I don't have to try to fix them, be blamed by them or deal with them at all. I am free. I am liberated. And completely protected.


In all honesty they were all gifts. Because they reflected back to me the places within myself where I hated myself. Where I did not see myself. Where I was lying to myself. So for that I am grateful. What I know now is that it was all necessary. Every single situation, event, all of it was all necessary. I regret nothing.  I am so grateful that it is a new day. I got bruised and battered but bruises heal. And now,I have flown away towards the light.

I am dancing, singing and playing in the light. I am blessed. I am loved. I am in ecstatic bliss.  Yesterday I read that my dear friend suggested for this full moon we create a mandala. Split into four groups and put colors, images and or words that fit. I had cut out words months ago for a vision board with my then relationship that never happened. As I made this mandala, imagine my UTTER SHOCK as each word save one fit perfectly into this mandala. Another miracle. It is as if there has always been a plan .I just did not know it.

In closing, have a beautiful day. Find your own perfect path from the signs life gives you. Life IS the supreme guru. Listen to what it tells you. With eyes to see and ears to hear, yo too will fly as I am. For I am not special...we all are.

Love and Light
xxxoooo

Saturday, March 23, 2013

It's never like the first love....

I was just a girl from Michigan. I had only been here in Cali for a few years. I had loved people, yes but I had not ever been in love. Feeling all those things that people write and sing about. Maybe I never even really knew what love was. Its not as if I felt incredibly loved as a child. Or even seen for that matter. Yet that was about to change.

The first time I remember meeting this man was at Tommy Tangs.  I had seen pictures because we were all at the same agency struggling as young wanna be actors. But we had never met. It was a casual dinner that I showed up to with CP. He was such a sweet soul.  RIP. He was good to me and I knew he loved me and I loved him but I was not in love with him. So we went and to be honest I cannot even remember who else was there with the exception of this beautiful young man.

He wore faded blue jeans, beat up black high top converse, an old white t shirt with  vintage vest over it. He sat right next to me, to my left. And I saw a tattoo peeking out on his right upper arm. It was a Cherokee indian chief head with ceremonial feather head dress. I touched it....electricity.....I told him I liked it.  I asked why that for his tattoo. He shared that he was three quarters Cherokee.  I remember his kind hearted, deep brown eyes. His almost feminine, beauty of a face. How he was not like everyone else, he was himself. Original. Funny. Smart. Sexy. A bit shy.  Who knew in a short amount of time he would become MY tattooed love boy.

I remember the next time we saw each other. I was leaving my audition for an AFI film called Dummies. Directed by the wonderful Laurie Frank. She is fond of saying,"There's casting and there's DIVINE casting." I can still remember walking up the street in west LA. with all the cool houses built in the 30's. As I left my reading I saw sweet JD was walking towards me. His hair a lovely mess, super cool sunglasses and I felt that kind heart that I met once before. Mine skipped a beat. I simply got giddy around this man. Like my soul had been searching for him for a long long time. I simply said hi and scurried along.

Memories are not always easy to come by so things may have occurred in between what I share but this is what I remember. We got cast.  Both of us!!!! As did the darling Max Perlich who bare witness to our love story and became our adopted son. Max was 16, JD was 21 and I was 19. We all met for a read through at Laurie's house, the same we had auditioned at. My name was spelled wrong on a call sheet. It said Sherilyn Fur. I forever became Fur to this sweetheart. Then Fur fucker. Terms of endearment are so personal. And oddly beautiful.

There was an odd older man doing props, I think. And he went under the table and put a grape in between my toes. A drama for me as I have an awful memory of being in second grade and a boy named Danny went under our 6 desks put together and kissed my knees!!!!! His face is scribbled out in the Elmwood school picture. But my reaction was big and JD helped. It was then I learned that he had a sort of foot fetish and he loved my goofy fat feet. It took the sting out of the weird moment and a nickname was earned to boot.

JD was in a relationship that had ended he felt. Other details are not mine to share. But suffice to say it was not the real first love situation that we both admittedly were in the process of falling into. We spent many long hrs on the set filming. Into the wee hrs of the morning. We talked incessantly about...well...everything. Became so close the energy was palpable. Maxie there the whole time playing, watching, getting in trouble, just being Max, our son.

At some point JD came to visit me at my home I shared with my mother and my big brother Leo. Our dogs had just had puppies, maybe that was the excuse. Or it was the big old black Lab that I found and was keeping until I found her a home. I named her Lady, JD named her Bug. Go figure. As I said, an original he was. And is.

He came into my room that was downstairs in a tri level house. We talked and talked as usual. Hung out with the animals. He loved animals as I do. Then at a certain point it was time for him to leave as much as I longed for him to never leave. As we left my room, he grabbed me, pushed me against the wall, said ,"This never happened" and kissed me.......it was lovely. The deal was sealed. No turning back now. But what did he mean?????????

In retrospect I think it meant, this is just between us....for now. As he was still finishing cleaning up another situation. For me, I knew when he left that I had fallen helplessly in love. This is what it feels like. OMG!!!!!! I felt wonderful. I danced. I pranced. I sang out loud.  Then, scary and honest fact is that the second emotion I felt pretty quickly  after that recognition was utter fear. Fear that it would go away. Fear that it would change. Fear that he maybe did not feel the same way. It was an emotional roller coaster.

I had never seen love or relationships work in my lifetime. Ever. Maybe Grandpa and Grandma, but she seemed miserable. That was not what I wanted. But I went on the ride. Willingly. Gladly. Ecstatically. This man was good to me. We had a lot of fun. A few nights while they were setting up shots, we would walk around in the cold with the street lights humming planning our future. We were gonna live in Europe because its more artistic there. We both had long, vintage overcoats with our arms wrapped tightly around each other.

We would sit in my little cream Corvette talking while Maxie skate boarded around the car threatening to smash into to it. We yelled at him like good parents but really we couldn't of cared less. We had each other and it was new love. And it was a beautiful thing. Even spent a few nights at Max's because we shot some scenes there. Staying up late, climbing trees, "bogging the dax" as JD would say. And were awakened  in the morning to walls shaking with the heavy bass of Brick House. It was idyllic.

This is all I choose to share. Inspired by recent fb posts by friends. I am thankful to have been taken back. Good night...xxxooo