Sunday, June 2, 2013

Masks

Life is a strange and beautiful dream. When I remember this, I have peace. When I look around and am grateful for things and people, see them with love instead of fear and hate, I have peace.  Even the things that make perfect sense to fear and hate. When I simply embrace them too.....I am free. This is who I am and who  I work to be. This is my quest.

No state is sustainable. Every thing and every moment is transient. This is a huge challenge for me. If you don't like change, in a world that constantly changes, its gonna be a bumpy ride. I try to free fall into it all. Realizing I don't have any control, nor did I ever. 

Too much change and instability as a child planted these seeds in the soil of the personality this life. Now as an adult I work to pull these weeds from my garden. Sometimes I am able, other times I still need to work at it. I see the announcement of a deep seeded issue when I have a big reaction to someone or something. The bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. So life points the path out to me and all of us in this way. 

Yet, most choose to not see it. They choose instead to blame those close them. Unable to truly know and see  themselves, unable  or unwilling to identify and  drop the mask of their incomplete self. Its almost as if they hold on as tight as they can to an image they created of who they need to be in the world. No matter how deep this lie goes. 

It is like we go through life with our ego in the driver's seat. And it rips little pieces of other peoples personalities, external wealth or fame, way of seemingly being in the world. Like ripping pictures from a magazine. I want these eyes, this kind of nose, these lips. I want these clothes to cover this type of body. Imagine what that picture looks like. And abstract, mishmash of nothingness. Certainly not real. Just an imaginary person. That is the person one wants to walk through life as ?????? Not me. 

I was talking to a friend of mine awhile back. He shared that I was emotionally immature. He had the grace of sharing a lot as we are similar but we laughed about it all. I realized he was right. I am emotionally immature. The paradox was that as I saw this and admitted it for the first time to myself and then to others.....THAT was a big step towards emotional maturity. This is the trippy and paradoxical way the world works. I love it.

I am a walking contradiction. An eternal paradox. What can be true for me in one moment can change entirely in the next. I am just an ever-changing  human in this way. I allow it. And sometimes I judge it. Am confused by it. So what is wrong with being confused. When I used to tell my dear Roy London.....I don't know!!!! His reply was always....Oh good!!!! Now we can begin.

I have been so blessed in my life for many years to have had wonderful teachers come in. To show me the way. Even when I did not learn what they spoke of until years later. I stilled learned it. I learn everyday and am grateful for that. I feel them and I hear them and I know they are and will always be with me. Life is a beautiful dream. Our loved ones never really leave us. 

It saddens me how many masked people I encounter everyday. Even many close to me. I choose to not wear this mask. I choose to explore and embrace all aspects of myself. Even those that some would say are ugly or horrific. I choose to live a whole life. And that may be lived alone as so many choose to hide and cower form truth. Even their own blessed one. 

When one does not live that way they are judged and condemned by some. They are blamed and considered a loose cannon. A cannon that blows to shreds  untruths that it encounters. And so it is. This is my path. Even when I am not right, which is often. I am always right in revealing, allowing and sharing MY truth. 

"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are really  princesses just waiting to see us just once be beautiful and courageous.  Perhaps everything terrible is, in its deepest being, something helpless that seeks our help."

Rainer Marie Rilke

Within this shadow, this part we hide from, is great beauty and treasure beyond belief. To hide from ourselves is a dangerous game. It is to live half of a life. It is to never truly  know oneself. It is the "not to be" of  "To be or not to be." It is a tragedy. I choose to be.....

There are no chosen people as I hear some religions say. We are ALL chosen. We are all the same. No matter what you do, where you live, how much money you have or make. We are all in the same boat dealing with the same stuff. 

I pray you begin the journey of removing your mask so as to live a more complete and glorious life. It is not easy but nothing worthwhile is. And like everything, it is as difficult as we make it. 

Live to Love.....yourself first.....xxxoooo


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me....and I'm feeling good......

I am learning. I am growing. I am grateful. I am seeing I don't need as much as I sometimes like to have. I am caring more about others and what I put out into the world. I am loving myself more. Everyday. I am now doing TM. Because David Lynch aka DKL has yet again extended his hand to me and changed my life. He is an angel in my life. I suggest all people have a daily practice to go inside as the outside world is a bit crazy these days.

There are days when I feel as though I can barley move. The energy is so strong. Things are going on that we cannot even know or process on a intellectual level. The only peace of mind is to know that it is not personal to you. It is happening to all living creatures on this planet. Things are righting themselves, I believe. Getting balanced and put into the correct order.

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. This is what I keep verifying in my life. It never comes on my timetable and it never looks like I think it should but shit happens. And I am forever grateful. For me there is no hell as in a place where you go when you sin as my Catholic upbringing would have me believe.

To me hell is living here with no awareness that we are ALL loved and cherished. That every hair on our head is counted. That we are protected and carried. Only always, in all ways. This does not mean we will not experience suffering. We will. Birthing a child is the best gift one can receive but a woman does not do this without experiencing a depth of pain that is beyond word. Especially if you do it naturally as I did with my first born.

We run from this pain in various ways. But wherever we run, there we are. We actually make it worse that way. Let it be. Let the pain go all the way through you and it will pass . And make room to have a deeper love and a deeper joy. The places where pain carves into us makes room to feel deeper positive things.

And always remember, this is just a dream. A beautiful dream. I know sometimes it feels like a nightmare. But that is usually when we fight and decide that things should look or be different. When we lack acceptance. When we look outside for someone or something to fill us.

A wise man said wash a cup and be present and you are awake. Find the sublime in the seeming mundane. Perception is everything. Stop blaming your childhood, your teacher, your spouse, your friends....even yourself. Become a warrior. A gentle warrior.

Yes, it s razors edge. So what. There is no better way to spend your time than getting real with yourself and all those around you. Let all the masks fall. Make it your goal to be authentic in all of your encounters. This is a key to freedom. To joy. To all these beautiful things that are literally your birthright. This is how the powers that be intended us all to live. We just got it wrong. Made some mistakes. But it is a new day. Rejoice. Make a different choice. Right now.

There are many wonderful books and sources for us to support ourselves as we change. As we rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I am reading a few books but the one that is really resonating with me and helping on so many levels I will share.

Shambhala: The sacred path of the warrior        by, Chogyam Trungpa

Life changer. Game changer. Jump on board. Haven't you suffered enough. I know I have. And I know I will again. But as I grow I deal with it all different. I allow it. I try to not run from it and when I do, I catch myself and turn to face whatever it is that needs my attention and intention.

Its a new dawn. Its a new day. Its a new life for me......and I'm feeling good......
Nina Simone


Wednesday, May 8, 2013

OHHHHH I am in a funking FUNK Written, April 28, 2013

I am in a funk. Funk's suck. That is a fact. In ones life we all will encounter many, many funks. Too many to count really. This particular funk came a few days ago, but had been hovering for the past week. Even as I was still on the beautiful island of Contardora, the funk- she hovered. Now she sits on me in full force. I am left feeling pinned to the floor, face in the muck....unable to move....

She is a miss-mash of a lot of different issues. Emotional ones, things still needing to process, old baggage as usual, worry for the future, lack of trust in the presence, smoking a little pot again.   shit..... It seems as if everything has come crashing down. When I have been on a seeming high for the past month. Since D split up with me, starting TM, have had many synchronistic things occurring, maybe I have been too in your face honest.

Must be vigilant during this time, these observations not to use this stuff as a bat to beat myself down again.

I don't know where this line is. Being too honest, too blunt, too egotistically knowing I am right when I usually am not. It has been about a month and a half since my 6 1/2 year relationship ended. This is good. Bad. And very, very difficult. They come in waves. These feelings. Huge amounts of joy and freedom and honesty w myself. Then crashing about with such a strong tide I can barely catch my breathe. Total fear. Anxiety on top my fear. Utter fear of what am I gonna do?

As my Christian was home yesterday very sick, pale with the deepest red purple cheeks and lips. So warm and as still as night. He lay on the couch in the bed we made. And watched all his old shows on Sprout. Ones he watched when he was about 2. This too was not a good time for me and my relationship w D. IT all came rushing back.

That time for me was one of the most difficult of my life, the dark night of the soul. I had hoped for no more of those nights. But they come, the emptiness etched so deeply it aches. The sobbing so deep it has no sound, only a shuddering and shaking of the jaw. Open, open, open....gently tapping my heart as Robert had done.

"You'll put anymore holes in her over my dead body." A clear threat. It stopped. But there is always more to be accountable for. More refining to do. More cleaning of the mirror. I am not ever alone because my shadow, the creature is with me. Pink sparkling nails on a keyboard in what was D's office, now is mine and soon will become whatever the next occupant deems it to be.

I am scared. The funk brings with it a whole lot of fearful gunk. I am doing what I can. I am rewriting my second children's book at my dear friends encouragement. I see from D's astute observations and knowledge of me that I have been trying to rush through what is always a process and changes and evolves all the time. There is an essential need to truly adapt to these changes and evolvement. I have always hated change perceiving it as an unsafe place. And so I walk through the world like this most of the time.

I have loved raising Christian the past 5 years, yes even through the dark nights he was always with me. As was much as much as his 6 yrs would allow him to be. But the baby and I walked through it together. I have loved being away from the business. I have loved the normal life. I have felt pretty safe and taken care of by someone else for the first time in my life. After working since I was 17 and raising my Myles alone it felt so good to me. To my heart. Just mothering, watching bad tv, cooking and caring. And seeing my Myles more as well. For a long stretch. Seventh grade to graduation. I love this.

I am forever grateful........

I also love the two virtual strangers came together so quickly and we meant to walk through so many blessings together especially that of bringing in Christian James. That we have grown so much together. That we still love each other deeply. Making a pledge of true friendship as they raise the boy together separately.

It surely doesn't help that the world is crazy with full moons and all these eclipses. "Its just all gone pear shaped.    ' As my Momma on Rude Awakenings used to say. Beloved Lynn Redgrave. RIP.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Just a spoonful of sugar....

Its a beautiful morning and gonna be a beautiful day. I have begun to learn TM this week. March 24 is the first day of the rest of my life.  It is changing my life in every way. DKL gifted it to me as I could not afford the amount one must pay to learn these sacred teachings. He had been talking about it since I first met him but somehow this last time we had a cup of joe was the time it finally went in.

 It started to work on me from the moment I said yes to him. Maybe before, actually. Within 9 days of our coffee date I had the most beautiful and intense dream with the teacher  Maharishi. HE came to me in a dream. I did not know at the time it was him until I met the woman instructing me. She said things in the dream showed her clearly it was him. She had studied with him.  Lynn is my sister in every sense. We even sort of look alike. As she explained to me the first day what TM is and what it does......I knew I was home. Finally. After SO many years of searching and searching, I now have my daily practice and I know I will never stop.

I always knew I needed a daily practice but until the student is ready, the teacher does not appear. But appear he did and she did. She was in my dream as well. As a sister. She was teaching me sacred dances. Which at the time I had not begun but was going to the following week with Sheryl Lee. My dear friend. A pure soul.

It has literally been shocking the synchronicity that has been happening in my life.  I pray little prayers most of the day. Being so grateful. I have been through so much in the past few years. Painted to be a demon by some.  They were just projecting their demons onto me. I see it now. I now know better. I now see how I can unintentionally and sometimes intentionally threaten people. And they in their blindness blame me for their inadequacies. Or I am the only one screaming that the emperor is naked and they should wake the hell up!!!  And some are just flat out CRAZY. But God bless them. I don't have to try to fix them, be blamed by them or deal with them at all. I am free. I am liberated. And completely protected.


In all honesty they were all gifts. Because they reflected back to me the places within myself where I hated myself. Where I did not see myself. Where I was lying to myself. So for that I am grateful. What I know now is that it was all necessary. Every single situation, event, all of it was all necessary. I regret nothing.  I am so grateful that it is a new day. I got bruised and battered but bruises heal. And now,I have flown away towards the light.

I am dancing, singing and playing in the light. I am blessed. I am loved. I am in ecstatic bliss.  Yesterday I read that my dear friend suggested for this full moon we create a mandala. Split into four groups and put colors, images and or words that fit. I had cut out words months ago for a vision board with my then relationship that never happened. As I made this mandala, imagine my UTTER SHOCK as each word save one fit perfectly into this mandala. Another miracle. It is as if there has always been a plan .I just did not know it.

In closing, have a beautiful day. Find your own perfect path from the signs life gives you. Life IS the supreme guru. Listen to what it tells you. With eyes to see and ears to hear, yo too will fly as I am. For I am not special...we all are.

Love and Light
xxxoooo

Saturday, March 23, 2013

It's never like the first love....

I was just a girl from Michigan. I had only been here in Cali for a few years. I had loved people, yes but I had not ever been in love. Feeling all those things that people write and sing about. Maybe I never even really knew what love was. Its not as if I felt incredibly loved as a child. Or even seen for that matter. Yet that was about to change.

The first time I remember meeting this man was at Tommy Tangs.  I had seen pictures because we were all at the same agency struggling as young wanna be actors. But we had never met. It was a casual dinner that I showed up to with CP. He was such a sweet soul.  RIP. He was good to me and I knew he loved me and I loved him but I was not in love with him. So we went and to be honest I cannot even remember who else was there with the exception of this beautiful young man.

He wore faded blue jeans, beat up black high top converse, an old white t shirt with  vintage vest over it. He sat right next to me, to my left. And I saw a tattoo peeking out on his right upper arm. It was a Cherokee indian chief head with ceremonial feather head dress. I touched it....electricity.....I told him I liked it.  I asked why that for his tattoo. He shared that he was three quarters Cherokee.  I remember his kind hearted, deep brown eyes. His almost feminine, beauty of a face. How he was not like everyone else, he was himself. Original. Funny. Smart. Sexy. A bit shy.  Who knew in a short amount of time he would become MY tattooed love boy.

I remember the next time we saw each other. I was leaving my audition for an AFI film called Dummies. Directed by the wonderful Laurie Frank. She is fond of saying,"There's casting and there's DIVINE casting." I can still remember walking up the street in west LA. with all the cool houses built in the 30's. As I left my reading I saw sweet JD was walking towards me. His hair a lovely mess, super cool sunglasses and I felt that kind heart that I met once before. Mine skipped a beat. I simply got giddy around this man. Like my soul had been searching for him for a long long time. I simply said hi and scurried along.

Memories are not always easy to come by so things may have occurred in between what I share but this is what I remember. We got cast.  Both of us!!!! As did the darling Max Perlich who bare witness to our love story and became our adopted son. Max was 16, JD was 21 and I was 19. We all met for a read through at Laurie's house, the same we had auditioned at. My name was spelled wrong on a call sheet. It said Sherilyn Fur. I forever became Fur to this sweetheart. Then Fur fucker. Terms of endearment are so personal. And oddly beautiful.

There was an odd older man doing props, I think. And he went under the table and put a grape in between my toes. A drama for me as I have an awful memory of being in second grade and a boy named Danny went under our 6 desks put together and kissed my knees!!!!! His face is scribbled out in the Elmwood school picture. But my reaction was big and JD helped. It was then I learned that he had a sort of foot fetish and he loved my goofy fat feet. It took the sting out of the weird moment and a nickname was earned to boot.

JD was in a relationship that had ended he felt. Other details are not mine to share. But suffice to say it was not the real first love situation that we both admittedly were in the process of falling into. We spent many long hrs on the set filming. Into the wee hrs of the morning. We talked incessantly about...well...everything. Became so close the energy was palpable. Maxie there the whole time playing, watching, getting in trouble, just being Max, our son.

At some point JD came to visit me at my home I shared with my mother and my big brother Leo. Our dogs had just had puppies, maybe that was the excuse. Or it was the big old black Lab that I found and was keeping until I found her a home. I named her Lady, JD named her Bug. Go figure. As I said, an original he was. And is.

He came into my room that was downstairs in a tri level house. We talked and talked as usual. Hung out with the animals. He loved animals as I do. Then at a certain point it was time for him to leave as much as I longed for him to never leave. As we left my room, he grabbed me, pushed me against the wall, said ,"This never happened" and kissed me.......it was lovely. The deal was sealed. No turning back now. But what did he mean?????????

In retrospect I think it meant, this is just between us....for now. As he was still finishing cleaning up another situation. For me, I knew when he left that I had fallen helplessly in love. This is what it feels like. OMG!!!!!! I felt wonderful. I danced. I pranced. I sang out loud.  Then, scary and honest fact is that the second emotion I felt pretty quickly  after that recognition was utter fear. Fear that it would go away. Fear that it would change. Fear that he maybe did not feel the same way. It was an emotional roller coaster.

I had never seen love or relationships work in my lifetime. Ever. Maybe Grandpa and Grandma, but she seemed miserable. That was not what I wanted. But I went on the ride. Willingly. Gladly. Ecstatically. This man was good to me. We had a lot of fun. A few nights while they were setting up shots, we would walk around in the cold with the street lights humming planning our future. We were gonna live in Europe because its more artistic there. We both had long, vintage overcoats with our arms wrapped tightly around each other.

We would sit in my little cream Corvette talking while Maxie skate boarded around the car threatening to smash into to it. We yelled at him like good parents but really we couldn't of cared less. We had each other and it was new love. And it was a beautiful thing. Even spent a few nights at Max's because we shot some scenes there. Staying up late, climbing trees, "bogging the dax" as JD would say. And were awakened  in the morning to walls shaking with the heavy bass of Brick House. It was idyllic.

This is all I choose to share. Inspired by recent fb posts by friends. I am thankful to have been taken back. Good night...xxxooo






Sunday, March 17, 2013

This goat is alive and well!!!!!

Good day....and I can say honestly and much to the dismay of my haters, who by the by....WHY do you come to my page?????? Go Away!!!!!! I can honestly say that I am in this moment inspired and happy.

So....... I don't know about you but my life is turning itself inside out. And this is a good thing. I have  left those difficult years that were basically the dark night of my soul.  Where I was in so much pain and confusion. I had to see all the things about myself that I could not see . And not that I have reached my final destination or that I have no more growing to do...until I take my last breath I will learn and grow. But maybe I am just no longer fighting life. Beginning to live my life in the consciousness of possibility. Not taking all this immense change that the world and universe is growing through personally. Really seeing it as the whole evolving. And I am just a little, minuscule part of it.

It is really a beautiful thing. This new perspective is life changing.  I have wanted and prayed for this
and these prayers are finally being answered. NOT because I am special, but because it was and is a consistent and heartfelt desire. We all have our time to get our asses kicked. The degree to which they get kicked is directly connected to the degree to which we run, hide and don't listen to the constant signs life gives us. The degree to which we desperately cling to what we know. Seeming security. Sleep walk our way through life self-obsessed , self-absorbed, a victim, a martyr, whatever role you cast yourself in. And make no mistake, you are the one that wrote, produced, cast and now are directing your way through. Your little movie, your little story. How sweet it is to move away from all of that. 

Everyone I know is walking through their own version of this. I believe we are all alive right now in this time while the planet is getting healed because we chose to be.  And we are being healed , as well. We are in the process of deeply releasing the past. Our personal past, our lineages and the collective planets past.  Birthing on any level is never easy. But it also need not be as hard as we make it with our ego in the drivers seat dictating the" how "of it all. The" how" is NOT what to focus on. It is the "WHAT" that is important." How" works itself out through spirit perfectly well without our interference. We don't tell our eyes how to see, or our bodies how to digest. They all inherently know how to do these things. 

This is true in acting as well. I was taught by my beloved Roy London ( I will always talk about him and yes have pics of him still in my home) to focus on "what" I am doing. "What" am I looking at in my life right now. "What" is up for me that is unresolved. When I honestly know that, then "how" just comes out in its own unique and original way. I am not presenting something I already know when I live in the "what." I am learning as I have not the fatal flaw of cowardice (taught by another amazing teacher of mine Robert Lorenz) to be filmed discovering it myself. Then we all grow together and get our own personal interpretation of it. Like when  a dear friend shares a personal story and it sparks a realization in us. This too is how I live my life, focusing on the what.

A quick break to cook lunch for my two young princes, my Myles Maximillian and my Christian James. Half a tuna sandwich for myself...all is well.....lol.....

I believe and it has been my direct life experience that we cannot change that about ourselves which we cannot or choose to not see. The blame game is the most damaging thing to participate in. I did it for years and years and unfortunately sometimes still accidentally dabble in it. Most of my growth came when I just stopped it altogether and took my laser like analysis of others and did the surgery on myself.  Surgery is still in process, until my last breath. Because that is the only thing that is my business. That and the guidance and love of my children. But even with my oldest I am needing to loosen up as he is now 19 and it is his time to learn things for himself. My 5 yr old on the other and is still completely my beloved and treasured responsibility.

My relationship with the father of my 5 yr old ended in its current form about 1 month ago.  It was not my choice. It is not easy. But after a week of attacks, I surrendered because what I call my quiet voice told me to, and all is well. again that does not mean there are not moments of intense fear, sadness and pain. Its just that we are better as really good friends. We had become cell mates , as opposed to soul mates, holding each other prisoner to the lies of our childhoods. No matter how we tried we could not escape it. So our relationship in that form had to die. And in a week, a fucking week (i pat myself on the back!!!!!!) I managed to change my tone completely. We are at peace. We are doing what is best for the baby boy. And ourselves. We are honoring our time together. I will always love him and have a place for him and with him in my heart and life. I have learned so much from him and from our years together. We will always be closely in contact. And it is a gift. He also gave to me the second best gift of my entire life, my Christian James. The first gift is my Myles Maximillian. I am blessed with two beautiful creatures. I thank God everyday.

The dealing of this situation was nothing less than a miracle. I wish I could say his family supported the 
peace but I cannot. And I am happy to no longer give a damn about what any of them say or think of any of it. I was the token scape goat there for too long. Now I am free. I recently read the origins of the word scapegoat. In ancient tribes, villagers would sacrifice a goat by killing  it for all their sins. So they, in their ignorance, thought killing the goat meant then all their sins died with it. Until they did other bad things and killed more goats. Well this goat is alive and well. And even thriving!!!!!! yyyiiipppeeeeeee !
My Robert used to call it the "identifiable problem." He said families would come in and say so and so is doing this and that...they are bad...etc. Not being able to see that they were the problem or what THEY were doing. So I wonder who they will blame now that I am gone...oh wait....WHO CARES!!!!!!!!

The quiet voice never leads me astray. It told me to sit down and write today. It finished 2 children's books and a NY lit agent says with a little nurturing they can be published. It told me to surrender and let go of all the anger around my ex. It shares much more than I can share here. I will say that it is not the loud crazy voices of my head. It exists in my belly. It is attached to a calm and peaceful feeling. 
I must listen for it. It is usually the first voice I hear and often times goes against all my plans and ideas.
Q. Do you know how to make God laugh?
A. Tell him all your plans. 
So I shall close for now. Saying a heartfelt thanks to those of you who send me comments and support this little share, diary, blog thing. I am happy if it brings even one person something positive. Life is really meant to be a joyous experience and I believe now....finally..... that literally the world is evolving in that direction. I hope I get to see it that way in my lifetime. If its meant to be but I  am ok if there is another plan.....I trust. I free fall into the loving arms of the universe. And so it is......

Love and Light....

P.S. I will be writing at least weekly installments from now on. Comments and questions are welcome and appreciated.
P.S.S. Thank God for spell check!!!!!!







Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Way....


Do you feel it? Do you feel the pressure on being turned a diamond out of the dense coal you were born?  Is it just me........ Of course it is not as we are all one. One connected body, being and source. Even when it appears that we are all separate, we are not. This is my belief anyway.

Can I say it hurts ? These growing pains. This constant struggle to bust out of the cocoon. This lack of patience with my ow needed personal growth. Just wanting all the old patterns, childhood stories of pain, certainty that I am nothing ....just wanting it to all go away. It takes the time it takes. And maybe it never really all goes away. It remains a part of the tapestry that is me in this life.

There are good days and bad days, this I know. Yet make the mistake of childishly overexaulting the good and then inevitably descending to the depths of hell as it all goes pear shaped. This is a ride I am exhausted of. How does one live this life and stay in the middle of the wheel as the Buddhists put it. I do not know.

I have come a long way on my path. A long way. And yet it seems at times I have so much farther to go. Moments of incredible certainty, slammed against days of utter uncertainty. The pendulum swings back and forth. With less space covered as in the past. But swing it does with me STILL holding on for dear life.

Holding on, hoping, praying, crying, pleading for a dear life. A dearer one. A kinder one. For me and 
all these around me that I love. Sometimes its here, other times too far to touch.  When it is more than likely always here and it is I that stray. It is I that sabotages it. It is I that fears things being "too good."

No more of this blame game. This is not easy. It takes so much vigilance on my part. I often assume (my first mistake, assuming) it is about someone else. When it is only a mirror. Someone wise said the bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. I am happy that I just remembered that. It resonates with me.

Sometimes something big and ugly must occur to shake me out of my illusion. It is not a kind and gentle path. I seek kinder, gentler ways to grow. Yet it is not and has never been up to me. Even that is a kind of free fall. My ego hates that idea, my soul rejoices in it. 

"If you are irritated by the rub, how will your mirror ever be polished."        Rumi

I sit here between the rooms. In the hallway. One door has closed and the window has yet to be opened. Shall I do as I heard someone say? When you are here, put up some new wallpaper. And see that the window is opening. Slowly as is the process of all growth.

The anger still resides in me. It is a palpable rage that can and has destroyed many things. It dips so deep that it connects to a collective rage that it frightens even me.  My own children have looked at me with fear in their eyes. One need not hit as I never do to evoke this, but we can hit with looks, with connections to that anger that fire off onto an innocent bystanders.  It is nothing to be proud. It is weakness.

I am embarrassed by these feelings that are part of me. I want them to go away but they do not. I can only chip away, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day and do the best I can. I have apologized too many times to count. I need it to end. Or to be transformed. I pray many days for help. Some things have to be walked through. Hurt as they may.

None is so blind as he who will not see. I am seeing much these days. It ain't pretty, but it is pretty freeing. It is a path towards a different life. A healthier life. A happier life. And a more peaceful life. I see more flaws or cracks in myself than I have ever in the past. I am working to meet them with compassion and love.

It hurts..............a lot............ When I watched a butterfly emerge from a cocoon there was something startling. A sort of red blood came out of it. I touched it and it stained my finger red. The cocoon would shake and shake, then be still for it bit while it rested and built up it strength for the next round. Like the contractions for birthing a baby.

Maybe this is necessary. Maybe it would be too hard on the nervous system to experience it all at once. For ANY living creature on the planet. I am in the midst of this. I just don't know if I am at the beginning, in the the middle or nearing the end. Neither does the butterfly nor the birthing mother. It is natural state anyway.

SO I guess it requires yet another leap of faith. A jump into the void. A free fall with trust that God will take care of it in the best way. In the only way. Like the Buddhists call it, and my man got a tattoo representing it.

The Way.